EINFACH...

Dear Brain,

I know this is not my first letter to you but this letter is different. I was wondering from where to start and how to put all what I want to say in words. Its not simple. Its really not. Its like explaining to friends the reason for tears in eyes when something somewhere suddenly reminds you of that "one". You know what is your problem, you are too direct and you are too rational. And not to forget that being a brain you play "mind games" with me.

Your control over me is so predominant. I become that lover who longs to talk to his lover. But when the call comes he hung up saying that "I am very busy." Why you play so complex games? Why I cannot say what I like? Why I cannot do what I want? Even if I do something which I like you release those chemicals which make me nervous thus eventually making me feel that I made a mistake. I have few complains :-

WHY YOU ALWAYS WANT AN ANSWER?

Brain Brain Brain.... I feel that certain things are beautiful in this world because they are unexplored. They are so pure so untouched. Seeking answers to every question destroy the beauty of anonymous. I think, I know your problem. You can't feel anything, isn't it? You can't feel the joy of that child that he feels when he sees birds for the first time and he wonders "wings...fly..up and up". You cannot feel the joy of that little child that she feels when she sees butterflies sitting on flowers, she keeps wondering who is more beautiful - flower or the butterfly. I am amazed what fun you get when you tell people that "Hello people you are not in "LOVE" but you are just experiencing the rush of high volume of endorphin(s) and hormones." Why cant you let just people believe that "happily ever after" exist? Anyways please stop your "I want all the answers" behavior. Its seriously hurting our relationship.

WHY YOU CAN'T TRUST ME?

Dude see... I know that I am like an untamed horse but trust me this habit of yours of not trusting me makes me more mad. To a person to whom you always say that "you are an idiot" will eventually turn out to be one. So therefore my dear brain have little pity on me and start trusting me. At times I feel... how does it matter that you trust me or not. Anyways you are always going to create a fiasco over my decisions. We are so different and yet look the maker of ours has put us so close. You know what I had an inclination towards a friend of yours because he understood me, he never abused me, he always made sure that my happiness became his priority. But what happened you came and you said "you can't do that, where is your promise that you made to me? Where is that love for me?" Again these unanswered questions made me guilty and see... you are happy. Now I am with you but you cant trust me. Trusting is simple.. v simple either you do or you don't. Kindly don't make my life hell by playing these mind games with me.

YOU MEASURE/COUNT/WEIGH

I don't know what is your problem but trust me... not just me but every heart hates you this habit of measuring. You quantify everything. How can you? Zillions of emotions, millions of moments which neither can be measured nor they have a valid logic behind them.  

So at last I just want to say that... we are not same and I am saying that we should be same. You are very important but please let people have access to me as well. Please don't interfere when they are talking to me. Please don't ask them to find any logic in every decisions of life.
Can you please keep it simple (Einfach)

Regards & Love,

HEART 

WIFE...

With heavy heart and wet eyes,

I was making myself ready for an anonymous paradise.

Who reside there, what are they made off,

I had no clue.

So I put on an unused grin 

from the box of your memories.

I am sold,

I am a wife.

I got a man beside me, 

So now I have got a life.

I heard my husband completely,

and soaked all his words gently,

But his words were harsh,

which teared my soul apart.

He touched me were you touched,

I was numb, I felt nothing. 

Bare in front of him I laid, 

with my eyes closed,

on the floor dismayed.

I bleeded the colorless blood,

like soundless cries of slut.

He never noticed my bleeding wounds,

never soothed my aching soul,

never touched me like you touched,

but prayers for him I always enchanted.

Oh!! But this was not the end,

as God had more to send,

I saw you in the church. 

Dressed in manly black,

eyes glittering like diamond,

and smile without a slack.

You walked towards me,

with your head held high.

Butterflies in my belly,

I started to feel shy.

Aghast, you held my hand,

I turned blue and couldn't stand.

"You forgot me" you whispered,

tears swirled down my cheek,

blinking and dabbing my eyes,

I said " Thank you for returning"

"Leave him... come with me" you said.

"Leave me, let me die" saying this,

I started to cry.

You held me in your arms,

wiped my tears and got alarmed. 

"You are cold and weak,

depressed and tweaked.

Come with me,

I am here to buy you back.

Now I am rich,

Hold me tight and I will take you to my paradise"

Your words were pure,

and yes you loved me sure.

But,

Now I am leaving,

tell my husband, to whom I was sold, that-

I will still hear him completely,

soaking his every word gently.

Wife 

CLING...

I swear , I was not going to write for at least another few days but then this mind never tends to stop thinking and interpreting. So here goes my next post to all existing  "aashiq (s)" "majnu(s)" and  beautiful "laila(s)". I was going to sleep but then all of a sudden from no where this song started to play in mind

"Kitne Bhi tum karlo sitam, has has k sahenge hum.

 Ye pyar na hoga kum, sanam teri kasam..."

And you know thoughts, they just need an excuse to go wild. Well the song is well defined explanation of the term we management students study in HR, "Escalation of Commitment". Google define this term as - "escalation of commitment or "commitment bias" is a term frequently used in psychology and sociology to refer to a situation in which people can make irrational decisions based upon rational decisions in the past or to justify actions already taken."  As this song said "jitne bhi tum karlo sitam"... i mean "bade besharam kism k insan hai aap ki itne sitam aur julm sehne k bad bhi wahi k wahi hai.. ye pyar nahi huzoor ye bewakoofi hai"

Well to explain to in a more better way here is an example-

There was a girl ( ya so obvious) and there was boy ( ya you know this too) and they fall in love ( wow really!!!) and then after years and years of pains which they gave to each other they finally decided to separate ("break-up" in local language) . But every time they decide to move apart they use to think-

Boy - " Man.. i gave my one- fourth life time to this idiot hoping that one day she will turn into a real "girl" and now if i leave her and go to other with whom i have to begin from starting...its hell!!! better stay with one"

Hindi version for desi people - " sala itna khoon pee liya is lady dracula ne ki ab to lagta hai aur kisi k layak      rha he nahi, aur bhagwan na kare agar nayi wali bhi "super-duper-upar chudail" nikali toh..." :( 

Girl - "Ohh God... Sob Sob Sob.. who else will buy me such expensive gifts..Sob Sob Sob... who will get my recharge done..Sob Sob Sob!!! "

Hindi version - "Subak subak meri shopping... subak subak... mere recharge.... subak subak mere liye ladai... subak subak itni achi naukri k sath itna bewakoof admi... and agar naya wala "dominating hua too.. naa baaba naaa... subak subak"

So these trail of thoughts lead them atlast to "cling" together. No where in this whole process the secretion of adrenalin, dopamine and serotonine takes place which gives rise to increased heart beat ( dil dhak dhak karne lga), drying of mouth, less hunger or sleep( mujhe neend na aye) . In simple language people its NOT LOVE its just "clinging".

No discouragement to people who believe in "true love" concept (well i am too part of that of that lot) but some times it becomes necessary to realize that the person with whom we are "deserve" us or not ( trust me guys this "deserve" word is very lethal use at your own risk). Be with the person who want to be with you not with whom you want to be with... and if you luckily belong to remaining ones then you both might end up wanting each other.

It not only happens in relationships it can be a case with your job, with your friends etc. Few among us are lucky in the sense that in their life some "guardian angels" exist which always now and then make them aware of the pit fall they are moving towards. But for others who are on their own try to find a way out as life without peace of mind is one big s***t.

So I am ending this post with the lines again that are now playing in  my mind and in my you tube also-

"Koi na koi chahiye pyar karne wala( ya wali)...

koi na koi chahiye humpe marne wala( ya wali... conditions apply)

ROFL... :D :D

THE WAIT...

"Man" as a race has certainly overcome all the hurdles that occurred in the path of unconscious evolution but when it comes to conscious evolution, i think we still have a long way to go.

Sitting by the window yesterday i saw a very normal scene in which a mother bird was feeding her four young birdies. The "food" was in her beak and the moment she brought her beak close to that of small birdies, they all impatiently start to jump in order to grab it. Pushing each other so that they can get it first, was their motto and during that process the slowest fighter got pushed towards the edge of the nest. In the next glance there were only three left. Now this story can have two morals one that "survival of fittest" suggested by Charles Darwin is the fact of life.

And the other moral of the story is just learn to "Wait". I mean if they could have just waited for their turns to eat. Anyways may be this is what makes us different from "animals". We have consciously evolved ourselves and imbibed in us the habit to "wait". We "wait" in everything, if we don't then we are not cultured, we are not sensitive we are not "humans"  as also claimed by few.

We as humans  are seriously  so curbed in  "it has been there so you also do it" psychology, that even to think about these walls becomes a cardinal sin. As a result we loose our natural instinct. We become scared of humiliation that we might have to face. In short we become what actually everybody want us to be.

The "Wait" psychology starts since childhood (remember those days when you are not suppose to ask for cookies until and unless the host offer them... and that not just offer them persistently force you to have them. you have to wait). Little you grow and then you have to "wait" for your turns as now you are grown up. Girls have to "wait" for proposals ( thanks to those feminists who said "why to wait girls you can propose too"). Boys have to "wait" for the right moment. When there is a fight wife in ego "waits" for husband to come and apologize, while husband "wait" for the wife to come and plea. What an amazing "wait"!!!

But now I am frustrated, I don't want to "wait", i want to flow to wherever life takes me. I want to enjoy about not thinking what others might think. Is it too much to ask? Am I getting out of the boundaries of this conscious change? But whatever it may result in, is it not worth giving it a try? Millions of questions inside me and no one to listen ( OK! OK! Enough drama ). I want this "wait" to change.

As Barack Obama said  :

" Change will not come if we wait for some other person or for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek ."

  

THE BEGINNING...

Well now that I am sure of not being aware of my final destination, I certainly would like to know what was my beginning - "mera aagaz". I mean what made me what I am ( people that include you too) , in fact what brought us to this stage of life? I think i had some ideas which can explain me all this but still i wanted to read ( don't be amazed i do read at times) and when i Googled  the Google, i found myself drowning in the ocean of  "EVOLUTION". Explanations were there, and it also made me realize that its little easy to work backwards. Frankly that is why may be scientist instead of writing and researching more on where we go after life wrote much about from where we evolved. 

Several hypothesis were given, some scientist said it was abiogenesis, some said life originated in "primordial soup" and some believed that it was just some "self organisation" of polymers and monomers that gave birth to first living cell. But one thing was confirmed life began in sea. And from there we evolved from simplest cell that was made up of collection of polymers and monomers to bacteria to annelids to vertebrates to mammals and in mammals finally to "man".

But what after that, what made us what we are today? Is this the end of evolutionary journey? A book - "The Psychology of Esoteric" says "With man, the natural, automatic process of evolution ends. Man is the last product of unconscious evolution. With man, conscious evolution begins." So what is this Conscious and Unconscious Evolution and is really the man an end product of evolutionary process? It makes me wonder are we so complete and "full" that even nature feel that all has been given or done with us..

The only difference that "man" enjoyed against other animals was the ability to make a "choice". This ability was the result of consciousness that we attained which in turn was also the reason for end of unconscious evolution in us. This consciousness also gave rise to "individuality" in man. The "choice" was not an option it was an obligation... its like if you are choosing not to choose then also you are making a choice of not choosing. So the life started moving forward on wheels on conscious evolution. Sometimes I feel that if choices that were made in past were not the same but other what differences that would have been made!!!

The best part is that whatever choices we make they become our destiny. And then comes the catch... here i would like to quote lines from the one of my favorite movie "K-Pax" -

"I want to tell you something Mark,
something you don not yet know,
The universe will expand, and then it will collapse back on itself',
and then it will expand again.
It will repeat this process forever.
What you don't know is that, when the universe expands again,
everything will be as it is now.
Whatever mistakes you will make this time around,
you will live through on your next pass.
Every mistake you make...
you will live through...
again and again and forever.
So my advice to you is to,
get it right this time around,
Because this time..
is all you have. "

So i guess the conscious evolution is nothing but how we "choose" to live our life... because that is what our upcoming generations will look up to.

THE PERSON...

How are we?

What we do?

What is our purpose?

Why we are born?

What we have done to realize that purpose? and so on .....

These endless questions have never troubled me. I was the one who was experiencing the bliss of ignorance until I met this useless fellow. I was very happy in my own little world of fantasies and dreams where I  imagined the world as a place having predecided things filled with people who perform specific roles and thus stay feeling "happy". So on one hand stood a dreamer ( only dream no work) on the other hand this person who was a pure rationalist, who believed that dreams are not of any worth if they are not worked upon and who always thought that I am the one "bad bad product" that my family has. Any ways this one day while discussing relationships we off tracked ourselves to philosophy... that was the day when my happiness and mental peace was sabotaged. He asked me "do you even know what you want in life? Why you are here? What is your purpose?" and in reply I was looking at him with expressions that loudly said " which world are you from and which language are you speaking ... if its Hebrew at least have some subtitles along with it.

That horrendous day i felt "truly amazing". Its like you travelling in a train since ages without the worry of destination enjoying your journey and from no where this person comes and ask you "where are you going?" " what is purpose of your journey?" and you stand there in front of him having the bewildered look that said "i have no clue". But this whole story has two aspects which i figured out. 

One, is it always important in life to know what you want? what is our great purpose? and how we can attain the mission of life in order to be "happy" in true sense? 

Second why life cannot be lived as it comes? why life sometimes cannot be left as unsolved mystery? why "pagalpan" to achieve the mission of life overtakes the joy of the journey.

 I was annoyed, frustrated, angry and truly speaking was not able to accept that this other species (rationalizers) existed. 

I had no clue and still at to an extend i am clueless about importance of those questions. Its like do seriously finding answers to those questions make you feel peaceful, happy and calm? My heart said "live your life you are no bad" but my brain said "now when at least someone has lighted some path go and explore". My mind and heart are still locking horns with each other and i think they will always stay in that mode. But one thing i have to admit to the "person" that yes life should have a purpose, some questions do need an answer but life is not worth living with grudges, its not worth living with unfulfilled desires and unused unenjoyed opportunities. For you i might be a person ( bad bad product) but for myself i think i have enjoyed my journey, i have no grudges, whether failed or passed every experience have added a new myself in me.